Excerpt from Rebuilding Relationships in Recovery: How to Connect with Family and Close Friends After Active Alcoholism and Addiction.
I happily admit that my efforts to improve my relationships with my loved ones continue today. Most of my relationships are healthier and better than they have ever been. Others still require time and healing. My path to this point has included many roadblocks, and the most difficult ones came from within me. In early sobriety, my initial reaction to family healing—I call it a “reaction” because, in all honesty, I cannot call it an effort—was denial and minimization. I avoided looking honestly at the damage I had done. Instead, I compared my actions to the actions of others and looked for the differences, rather than the similarities. I sought to diminish the pain I had caused by thinking, “What I did was not as bad as what they did.” This is a common experience among recovering individuals. It’s our attempt to try to reduce the amount of guilt and shame we are burdened with. Ironically, it’s the recognition and admission of our actions that frees us of our shame.
When I realized that my children’s pain or wounds could not be compared to anyone else’s and that I had inflicted the worst emotional pain on them that they had ever experienced, my next reactions were self-loathing and self-pity. I wanted to hide from the pain I had inflicted. I could not admit to myself the severity of the damage I had caused. I quickly slipped into playing the victim. I sought to explain my behavior by blaming it on sleeplessness, my dysfunctional family of origin, stress at work, or financial problems. But this only made the situation worse. Eventually, I began to act rather than react in response to family problems. I saw that through my alcoholism, I had done different types and amounts of damage to my various family members, giving them vastly different experiences. They each had varying levels of anger, fear, hurt, and pain. Each of them had a different level of willingness to repair our relationship. They each put up different types of resistance to my efforts. They each built different walls to protect themselves from me and my behaviors. I had to understand and recognize all this as I began my efforts to heal these relationships.
Your family members’ reactions may vary from forgiveness to hopeful anticipation of your return to the family unit; or their anger may be so fierce that they have disowned you. In my experience, I encountered one family member who was in denial about my addiction, one who was full of rage and anger, one who was embarrassed by my behavior, and another who withdrew from me. My mother was confused and wondered aloud about where she had gone wrong, and she said things like, “I did not bring you up to become an alcoholic.” On the other hand, my employer was purely professional and allowed the human resources team to manage my situation. Friends’ reactions varied from relief to skepticism.
It took various lengths of time for me to improve these relationships. Some relationships improved quickly; some took years. For my family, therapy was a valuable tool. Also, twelve-step groups were helpful then and are still important to our healing. In all of these relationships, there have been moments of regression, incidents that triggered old wounds, and issues that have had to be rehashed and readdressed. It has taken time, patience, and commitment. And in truth, the process never really ends.
My relationship with one of my children took more than four years to show any significant signs of improvement. This was very hard on both of us. To cope with this, I had to stay sober, have faith in the wisdom of my peers, strive to be consistent in my behaviors and reactions, and trust my higher power. I had to surrender to the idea that I could not force or manipulate my family members to forgive me. Instead, I learned to acknowledge and embrace all minor improvements in our relationship. I never gave up, and I sought to create an atmosphere where our relationship could grow and heal.
In Rebuilding Relationships in Recovery, Janice V. Johnson Dowd shows readers how to repair and enhance their relationships after active addiction. With personal insights and professional wisdom, Dowd—a licensed social worker in recovery—explores her own personal journey through alcoholism, offering a realistic and transformative guide.